We were always at war with…

alienhaus

A few weeks ago I was browsing books and decided I would buy a very used copy of Animal Farm by George Orwell. The title has come up a few times in recent history and I’ve never read it, so why not now?

I also don’t trust my whim decisions about what I’m going to do later to last the test of time. I didn’t know, if picking up said book, I’d read it the next day or it would take me years to get around to it.

But it seems I was incentivized enough by These Unprecedented Times to read it now.

I understand a lot of people read this story in their young teen years by force of school. I can’t say I remember exactly what we read in school for the most part, but it definitely wasn’t this. I do remember a focus on historical literature, especially revolving around the foundation of America and slavery. I remember spending time talking about mythology. I remember Shakespeare. I remember Thoreau. I remember Uncle Tom’s Cabin. I remember, once I was in high school, very little of what we read as a group took place after 1900 except for copies of Newsweek.

I also remember when themes related to Animal Farm came up, they showed up in social studies and history-focused classes. We spent a chunk of one term talking about China, centered on the issue of Hong Kong. They were about to become independent of the UK and we talked about whether they were their own thing or still an extension of China. In that, we had lessons about China’s history of government and its effects on its citizens as well as neighboring countries, including talk about cultural interests and religion. Meanwhile we were watching journalism pieces and news about the Middle East pre-9/11, and we spent another while talking about tedious religious differences and everyone wanting a piece of the same presumably holy lands that just caused me a Sleep earworm revival that I have to now go fix. A whole class in itself was focused on the foundational turns post-creation of the US, of the early American trade industry, of trains, of how important industrialism was and its effects on people, of Manifest Destiny. I remember doing a report on the first major car manufacturers at some point, whether or not it was in that class. I grew up on the west coast so focus towards the Gold Rush and Oregon Trail were huge throughout my education, and post-school wiki learning about why places here are called what they are led to finding out about their cruel capitalistic military histories, typical of much of the US. Monuments to white men shitting on everyone else in the name of their precious, fragile egos everywhere.

It stands to reason I didn’t actually need to read Animal Farm when I was 14. And yet the curiosity is there. What the fuck was the book actually about? Why does it permeate culture even still? Why are people criticizing a movie about it?

Once the book was in my hands, I was struck immediately by how uncynical it came across in reading. Tonally it sounds focused on a young audience who signed up for a cute fantasy story about a little farm populated by silly animals with a big dream. The truth is more like The Secret of Nimh. Have you ever seen or read the original The Little Mermaid story? It’s like that. The animals and tone are simply a device to deliver sugar-coated shit nobody really wants to be reading or having floating around in their head when shit-covered shitty reality is already there 24/7.

Very soon after I began reading I spontaneously came across an internet post whining about the glorification of Orwell. Apparently he was an industry plant to sell ideas on the populace and actually held political ideas that were counter, or whatever the fuck it said. I don’t know. I don’t see how what writers who are long dead think or believe or intend matters. It isn’t about him or what he thinks 80 years later. You read, you chew on the story, you decide what’s what. Art can be good and interesting and even valuable independent of human beings who made it. I, obviously, set the internet post aside.

In context of the time of publishing (that is, 1945), I soon started to notice what that post was getting at. It does feel a bit on the road to propaganda. It depends on the reader, I suppose. Here in 2026, though, I was like “holy shit way to predict the future”. And then came the frustration that I know young people are (or were, who knows anymore) reading stories like this yet going on to vote for the pigs of the real world. Granted, I remember my first hour at church camp being sold that we were all sheep, meant to follow and obey, all as if it was a natural given, and I was like “lol nope, not in a million years”. Clearly there are people fascinated by their masters, forever in need of further masters, unable to process what stories like this are getting at because what does Daddy think I should think about the story criticizing Daddy? And I was always suspicious at best of these things but more often than not horrified and disgusted that my peers refused to think for themselves. Why you no authentic being?

Reading was quick and easy. Adjectives and adverbs are a distraction. We gettin’ to the point. Turns of events were sharp, stated without emotionalism. I processed emotional moments in seconds like I was watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon and everything was going to turn out fine in the end… except that’s not what happened, and I left the book feeling like all my serotonin had been stolen. It wasn’t quite like watching Threads or Dr Strangelove, but that was the vibe. All hope, gone. We will never be the same. I’m in the background, having heard and seen enough, calling the guy to hit the detonate button.

It hit especially hard because of the moment. I remember trying to hype up anyone who needed it to read 1984 not so long ago. The slow realization that news media was a tool for conservative ends – neither neutral or unbiased – mixed with the more recent realizations that those who owned social media companies had an agenda to serve the same voices led me to deciding it was in my best interest to get away from those things, and yet I’ve seen little to no movement from people I’ve known who claimed to be progressive, democratic, and/or liberal. How is it that someone who was so anti-religion, who has posted so much misandrist stuff, is now an apparently permanent cog in the wheel of a place owned by a guy who thinks she’s one of his personal enemies, consumer dollars aside? Why won’t she move? Where did we go wrong here? Are the facts not loud enough? Are they too inconvenient, because welp, I put all my eggs in this particular social media basket and I can’t be fucked to change. No new tricks for this old dog. How did a whole swath of the population nope out on MySpace overnight yet the same can’t be done again for an actual reason? Were these people even being sincere in the first place or has it always been all talk?

Maybe meaningful change comes on too slowly for me. But every day watching “pigs” endure when the alternatives are *right there* and people who claim to be anti-“pig” are standing around picking their nose or using the tools of said pigs when other tools exist is soul-crushing. Here I thought what you said was your truth, and it turns out it was all just a bunch of noise, and your primary interest is serving your comfort.

I had similar feelings around 20 years ago on approach of my musical journey. I tried for empathy. I know how hard it is to get into artistic stuff you’re not already inclined to be into exactly right now. I know there’s a strong inclination to jump right into “this sucks” with things that are new to you. Maybe a more open “too weird/loud/boring/tedious for me”. Before then I would have considered getting uptight about anything too feminine, soft, dramatic, or emotional because it seemed unserious or lacking in quality, but 20 years ago I was well into the battle of “girl” labels do not equal lacking in quality. I know it’s an often painful road to challenge oneself and what one knows, or thinks they know. I know the struggles. But if I could take the time to challenge myself a lot, could they not try even a little? They didn’t need to follow me exactly where I was going, but just show initiative, interest, some kind of care? Why was I always the one having to bend to what others were doing? But no, best I got was some patronizing commentary, often trying to turn things back around to how I apparently needed to fill my role as a woman aka sexual object vessel, that whatever I did or said or intended was irrelevant to that aim. Clearly the only reason to do anything was to find a man. My guess is the next step was, well, if I, a girl, was listening to or talking about particular music, that must mean it’s trash: only men are allowed to have respectable opinions, after all. I’ve written before, but the night I heard ol’ E.Wiz for the first time was a revelatory moment where I knew I couldn’t share this anywhere with it being understood the way I needed it to be understood, therefore all these people need to go and I needed to find my new thing free of the weight of trying to appeal to people like this.

Animal Farm easily excused away the lack of action by the animals. First, they were celebrating their new freedom and just didn’t know what they didn’t know. Some were written off as too dumb in general. Then, most of them couldn’t read or memorize things like the pigs could. Those who could read shrugged at the whole situation as if misery was inevitable regardless of the details (hey I’m the donkey in this book!). Others were too narrowly focused to bother themselves with the noise of changes around them and easy to take advantage of for not caring about what happened around them.

As the reigns began to tighten, the first and last unscathed escapee made me think about how the prim-and-proper rich are generally going to be the first ones to leave at the first sign of trouble. It’s a luxury to have the funds and connections to be able to move countries on a whim and not look back. (And for the above moment, I guess I was swimming in so much new-to-me music I was finally able to leave the goddamn Korn crowds behind.)

I was equating the second escapee to techbros early on, but the analogy seems to have fallen away by modern interpretation. Then again, for all we know, that’s exactly what happens in the future when the government decides it’s learned enough from AI or whatever and starts banning shit left and right. Or maybe that’s what’s happening right now. But I was specifically thinking of the present alignment of well known tech leaders with government. They’re still more or less friends right now.

It’s fair to say the second escapee is actually an analogy about scientists, librarians, teachers, writers, and socially progressive politicians. And yes, they’re the first to get picked at anytime some fascist shit goes down. Reminds me of Bill Hicks making fun of the South: “what you readin’ FOR?”

Boy was it interesting when the “leader” pig began twisting the other animals’ realities to match his agenda. Who does that remind me of? Oh, no one in particular. How did this book from 1940-whatever know what was going to happen today? Is this scenario just what we, as humans, do on repeat every so many decades? The idiot populace, in need of a confident liar daddy, allows space for then pushes up the worst one of them all, and the ship sinks until everyone’s suffering and having to once again relearn the lesson. Imagine if we just didn’t do that.

We can hope for a stroke, a heart attack, something more violent… but that doesn’t change what remains after. Have those who went into this with one eye closed learned what they needed to learn to keep this story from progressing forward?

The astrological crowd keeps suggesting that this is just the beginning. Things never cleanly repeat, but the known patterns over time seem to say that the US is having a pain in the ass time right now and for a while yet. Things will be different in a decade, somehow, but who’s to say how.

But the day-to-day reality is much the same. We humans can read but can we understand the words? It’s easy to forget, anyway. Gotta do the dishes, the laundry, get back to work. Life’s tedium fills the brain. Remember what now? Not sure I remember what I barely understood. Well, not me, I’ve been pretty much the same rude creative type this whole time. Theoretically I’m in the first horse crowd, though practically speaking, we’re all stuck on the same human earth suffering these idiots and their Hitler Youth dogs.

Then I think about the things I’ve cared about more than I’ve cared that their fanbase or creators sucked, and hmm. I’ve definitely dragged my feet mulling over whether the value of art was worth more to me than human principles. It depends, too, on exactly the issues and the message. And sometimes you just don’t know what’s going on far from view, and by the time you do, you’ve invested so much into something that it’s hard to balance that against whatever awful shit came up. I’m in another phase of exactly this right now. How much of what I’ve enjoyed or paraded over the years was made by assholes? My old go-to is that all humans are interested in gaining power over others for their own ends, aka everyone is an asshole, and some are just louder about it and have more opportunities to show it. Maybe no matter where I go or what I do the effect is the same. But there’s a lot of disappointment going on. I don’t keep heroes and think that whole idea is a bit weird, but it sucks when you’ve liked what someone’s been up to for so long only to discover they’re awful up close. No one wants to be around “awful”. But what if it’s everywhere? I live in a society, I can’t go full hermit, and I don’t think I’d want to. So what then? Is it just disappointment and disgust every day now? Expect trash everywhere I turn? No matter what I do, I’ve contributed to The Suck? Just a cycle of stupidity, lies, cruelty, a garden full of willfully ignorant intellectually lazy sheep?

I’ve got nothing.

The book ended in a place that felt like a foregone conclusion. Maybe the 13 year olds of the world wouldn’t have seen it coming, but it was obvious to me. Welcome the inevitable suffering at the hands of the new masters. I am definitely the donkey.

Would I recommend you read this book if you haven’t already? Certainly. But expect, for the times we live, that your peace is going to get trampled on and you’re going to want a solid dose of happy hormones at the ready when you finish. A few days later I’m still trying to get my serotonin back.

Now I’m imagining someone playing Stardew Valley directly after reading the final chapter, and, heh.

Edit: Enjoy the irony of me adding affiliate links to Amazon in this post. One thing at a time, I guess.

Ace Week All Year

alienhaus

I wrote this at the end of Ace Week in 2025. I’ve added a few more links within the post for clarity.

I spent the past week sharing other people’s asexuality-related posts, videos, and articles for Ace Week. While Ace Week is technically over now, I’m here all year, sooo… I thought I’d write about how I got here.

Teenage me assumed I was straight because I had only ever been interested in boys. I supported friends in their orientation journeys and I was pretty open despite my black & white upbringing peppered in homophobia, so I assumed whatever I felt that didn’t match what other people claimed they felt was just a matter of age, time, experience. The reality was that for all the openness, jokes, or theoretical interest, I wasn’t sexually interested in anyone. I had short, fleeting crushes but nothing stuck around long enough to do anything about and I didn’t really want to bother with it knowing I wouldn’t care anymore in a few hours or days.

Had I had the language, including everything I know now about the split-attraction model, I would have had a strong inkling that I was asexual, graysexual, or demisexual by 15-16. But I didn’t have the language. The options were straight or gay. Anyone bisexual was just performing or going through a phase on the way to gay. People readily asked “who’s the man” at people in not-straight-enough relationships. I personally heard commentary about becoming a nun or growing up to be an old maid in a house full of cats all of the time. Then, when I did date – fully on my own terms – I was perceived as doing it wrong. One must perform heterosexuality one very specific, narrow way or else! I wish I’d had a book, an infographic, a website, a pamphlet, something to throw at these people. Instead, I was socially isolated, treated like an asshole or a child for making decisions about how I wanted to exist and behave according to my own terms, and picked at or joked about. By the time I actually needed people to talk to to help me process relationships not going well, I didn’t have a support system.

Around 18 or 19 I somehow landed on the word asexual online. The words were still lacking, and whatever I read was a sex-repulsed, partially oblivious aroace experience. While I related to some of the social experiences these people had, I wasn’t that. I regularly joked about sex and didn’t mind the subject in an intellectual or artistic way. I knew when people were flirting with me. I felt love. I guess I wasn’t asexual, then? I guess I was straight with a nonexistent libido? Maybe I was still just young and inexperienced?

I came back to the term around age 22 after a bad relationship where, without evidence or cause, I was repeatedly accused of an imminent future where I would cheat on him. I wasn’t sexually compelled by anyone at all. Why the fuck would I cheat? As that ended, I realized whatever experience of sexuality I had was separate of a target. Literally asexuality. I still put down “straight” on forms. The one time I was directly asked about my orientation, I said I was “99%” sure I was straight. Nope. I was not sure. I was tripped up and assuming straight because I had had crushes on and relationships with boys/men and some limited and fleeting amount of sexual interest. The language just wasn’t there for me.

In the following decade as Tumblr came to exist and Youtube channels like Sexplanations popped up, I periodically read more about orientation and came across the idea that romantic and sexual orientation were separate and that everything was a spectrum, not a binary. Then I started seeing microlabels pop up. Maybe I was one of those? Well, didn’t matter, it was obvious enough I had asexual leanings by now, and privately acknowledging that I fell somewhere on that spectrum was fine since, for all intents and purposes, I had straight-ish behavior.

At about 37 I began to refresh my sexual education in general and go on a journey. It was important that I not be silent, complicit, appear to just go with the flow, or live in a state of apathy or ignorance or with an attitude of “well, it’ll all work out because it always does”. This is how we ended up here (speaking politically). I picked a battle. That brought me close to people in the sex industry and ideas I didn’t even know I’d held were challenged. I realized my orientation fell in the gray area of multiple spectrums. Maybe the microlabels were indeed valuable after all. Was I graysexual…?

Not long after that I had another terrible experience with a presumably straight man. This was eventually followed up by more, with assumptions of behavior purely based on gender put upon me, ignoring me for me and not asking even the most basic questions because all women are/do x and are just there to live in service to men at their whim. Personality? Nuance?! Never! Women go in the woman box. There’s no need for further information. At best sometimes there’s a few more boxes for tokenized behavior or fetishized interests.

I reflect back now and it’s obvious I’ve always been ace to me and should be obvious to anyone who’s known me long enough to consider it, but with frustrating shit like this, it seems that advocacy is still important. Why not me be the advocate? Why do I still allow space for “must be straight” to exist? I don’t give a fuck what some ignorant, hateful billionaire thinks, but it matters when it pushes people back in the closet, prevents growth, stomps on rights, or hinders basic human courtesy. If that’s what someone sees from people in power, why would they think to do any different? At this point with the intentional political exclusion of anything past LG with further intention to do away with gay marriage, probably I should stop the “must be straight” trail of thought when I see it happening.

In reality, my family are religious types where straight relationships in service to child-rearing are held as the pinnacle of existing. I’m already dismissed and ignored for discarding all of that. The chosen friends I’ve had, when I’ve been acknowledged, I’ve been seen as a man-hater or fetishized, or they’ve made attempts to push me back into amatonormativity (aka “you’d be happier if you dated”). I was looked down at as lying by one doctor, pathologized by another, and told in so many words my future was in service to my family (aka breed or else) by a third. My orientation isn’t something people readily see, I live in one of the safest places possible, I’ve lost whatever give-a-shit I had when I was younger, and yet I still just don’t feel safe throwing it out there as a matter of identity. If I go with ace without further description, folks without education make assumptions just the same as they had when I was a teenager. It seems apparent enough that with the amount of resources there are online now that someone making broad, ridiculous assumptions is probably not a person for me anyway, as I’m definitely not interested in people I consider too stupid or too arrogant to even consider googling something. But I more worry about controlling worldview people, people who think everyone who doesn’t think exactly like them requires forced change or derision.

I think back and wish I’d grown up knowing that asexuality was possible, that romantic and sexual (and emotional and sensual and physical and intellectual and and and) attraction could be separate things. I wish it hadn’t been all binary all the time. I wish I’d had the words and information there when I was wondering why I wasn’t feeling what my peers supposedly were. I wish I hadn’t viewed sexuality narrowly connected to romance and monogamy, that some adult or authority figure or peer would have listened to me and explained that I could love multiple people at once in many different ways and I didn’t have to date or have sex with anyone if I didn’t want to, that I was the authority on what I felt, what I wanted to do with my time, and who I wanted to spend my time with, AND I deserved respect. I wish I’d had transparent examples that weren’t literally aliens or robots. I wish I’d known someone else who was ace, especially if they’d also skipped the whole religious brainwashing train. I wish, even after I knew the word asexuality and otherwise had clues that I wasn’t straight, I didn’t feel an adherence to being seen as straight.

But here we are. And now, once again seeing the importance of discussing this at least some of the time, I’m making the effort.

Some of the links I posted during Ace Week:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Asexual
https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/
https://www.reddit.com/r/Greysexuality/
https://www.reddit.com/r/demisexuality/

https://fuckyeahasexual.tumblr.com/
https://gray-ace-space.tumblr.com/

8 Things Being Asexual Has Taught Me
Being Not Straight
Letters to an Asexual #3
Debunking Asexual and Aromantic Myths
Asexual: A Love Story
Four Things About Sex and Romance that are Bulls%$t

Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

noize!

alienhaus

As much as I don’t feel done setting up shop here, I’ve had to put off writing about the music of this year so far too many times now and more keeps coming. I’ll just make a list and preserve the single-album typing olympics for December.

January

Ella Red – It’s Not Real: Catching a clip of “He Asked For It” last year sold me. The 4-song run between that and “Aphrodite” has been a favorite this year. If you have any tolerance for pop rock, especially with a feminist if not a bit sapphic tone, do the thing. It’s committing all the known musical attributions to pop but a 90s-00s dance number, so comparisons feel flimsy, but Chappell Roan fans would probably like this.

February

Puscifer – Normal Isn’t: Given my history, it’s an easy guess that I would like this album at least a little bit, and that’s what I was expecting. A little. That I’d shrug at it. Turns out it hit album-of-the-year territory for me. There’s a lot of year left and it now has fair competition, but, for the past couple of months, this album has been played more than any other. I’ve had all of the songs stuck in my head. They definitely buried the lede with earlier released “Self Evident“. I don’t imagine current or former fans of the bands one would arrive to this one from give a shit about my opinion and likely prefer to go in without spoilers, so if for some reason you missed this, do the thing. But yes. If you like songs like “Jerk-Off” and “Ticks & Leeches” for their lyrical content, you’ll enjoy this one.

Converge – Love Is Not Enough: I’ve had better initial experiences with new Converge albums, but eventually this was working for me. The YOB moment on “Beyond Repair” got my attention, “Gilded Cage” has earworm potential, and the final track “We Were Never the Same” has become a favorite. The High On Fire-esque drumming on that last song against the heavy bass, *chefs kiss*. Even though I still feel like a Converge n00b nearly 20 years out from the first time I heard them, real glad Converge is still around.

Peaches – No Lube So Rude: Perhaps it goes without saying, but I fucking love Peaches. I was borderline anxious listening to her music for the first few years when I largely just had her Lost In Translation contribution stuck in my head, feeling the stark contrast between what she was singing about and what my experience of sexuality vs society actually looked like. But I got older, had more and different things going on and learned the world was even more backwards than I knew it before, and now I reflect back grateful she was there to create that tension and keep me on my toes. This album goes straight to the point talking about ageism from lyric one before curtailing to the usual witty sexual rap one fully expects from Peaches, and I hope I’m as fun and brazen when I’m 60. PS. I just watched the title song video, and holy shit. NSFW by all stretches of the imagination.

March

Witchcraft – A Sinner’s Child EP: Witchcraft just released an album, so this felt speedy, but I’d say it’s an easier, more concise version of where the band is right now – largely stripped down and a bit more Swedish than before. I saw a live thing they did here recently and it was a reminder of how “Queen of Bees” is one of the best songs of all time ever. I don’t have the date in front of me, but I think this year marks 20 years of listening to this band for me, and I’m glad to know Magnus is still Magnusing it up.

Ladytron – Paradises: This is the first album I’m typing about today that I haven’t listened to straight through (yet?). Ladytron is still providing some wonderful novelties but the album was too much for where I was when I went to hear it – perhaps it’ll make more sense to me when I’m in a less present, less scattered, more aimless Attention Kmart Shoppers mood. “I Believe In You” and “I See Red” have been individual stand-outs so far.

Neurosis – An Undying Love For A Burning World: My local internet freaked the fuck out about this surprise release. Most of us thought Neurosis was effectively dead after a certain former member was vacated from the band a few years ago for being a piece of shit, but it turns out they just needed a sprinkle of new magic from sludge whisperer Aaron Turner (with assistance from mister “distort everything” Scott Evans). I’m curious to know what the hell happened with their drummer between the selling of gear posts and this coming together. Regardless of who or what or when, the album is obviously a stand-out for this year. I’m not a Neurosis fanboy but I was in tears on listen one by the end. The three-song run starting with “Untethered” got me in my head about everything these last six years. “Last Light” is an incredible song. If you’re a long-time Neurosis meh-er, but you otherwise enjoy sludge, doom, and heavy prog, do the thing.

April

Angine de Poitrine: And speaking of internet phenomenons… this band caught a sudden wave of broad-reaching attention and now I have two new albums to ponder over. The brand new one came out in April, hence the headline it falls under. It’s strange to be familiar with a wide array of music over my life and not find their approach to musical creation all that interesting by itself while watching people freak out about the details. It’s very “dude what if Lateralus different order tho (bong rip)”. If you like weird and jazzy approaches to sound, or maybe you might say Primus sucks, or maybe you miss Battles, then you’ll get something out of this. The aesthetics are definitely attention-grabbing and the band & music feel fresh and fun, so yay. More rock-based phenomenons pls.

Nine Inch Noize: And here’s the album that finally got me to type these words. I checked and I posted the remix of “My Moon My Man” by Boys Noize (and Feist, originally) on the blog in 2008, which felt like a “that’s it?” situation given how “& Down” and “3 Bass” were on repeat that year. Fair enough, I was making attempts for novelties in my first full year writing exclusively about music. The fact is, now, I’m familiar with Boys Noize, and I’m beyond familiar with NIN, and this felt like a very logical collaboration. They got me with the “live”(?) sound at the beginning and otherwise dispersed through the album – I thought I’d fucked up somehow – but it’s a studio recording. Some of the 2000s-era songs could certainly use a refreshed take, so good for that. So far “Parasite” is my favorite (oh you mean the song with the prominent heavy bass? Who knew). My original notes here made jokes about “Closer” that were so detailed I’ve had this song stuck in my head for days but I think I need to save that for a time I can expand on the ridiculous idea I had. For now, this was fun, but familiarity with NIN cuts the dopamine effect of new stuff down a notch. Looking forward to eventually watching their Coachella sets.

Madonna: I got word last year that Madonna was creating “Confessions on a Dance Floor pt 2” according to my notes, and sure enough, her new song “I Feel So Free” (warning: flashing lights) very much reminds me of that era of her music. It also happens to be my favorite era, with the Confessions tour video being remarkable to the point of making me angry it didn’t come here and I might not have gone for what I was prioritizing in life at the time anyway. I noted the new song online and the next day I had a singular like from an unfamiliar account. I checked and it seems it was a like entirely in earnest by a bear account (read: lots of gay porn). That felt so incredibly appropriate. Exactly what I would have expected, had I considered it.

Rickshaw Billie’s Burger Patrol: “Peaches” (no relation) was put out today. Apparently it will be attached to an album later this year, but no official announcement of said album yet.

May and Beyond

Rhododendron (out 5/15): “Firmament” is available to hear now, and it was a reminder that I miss when I was super active and aware of what Portland had to offer. The video comments include a comparison to Russian Circles, which is fair. The other already-out song is more aggressive, and if we’re going there, maybe in the more recent “FUCK YOU, DAD!” era of Russian Circles. That’s not a comment on age, for the record, but one might focus on how young this band was fifteen minutes ago and wasn’t 1999 yesterday… but that’s an old people problem, I suppose. Glad to hear music like this is still happening from a younger-than-me generation. [PS. This is a band I technically work for by proxy so, you know, grain of salt.]

Monolord (out 5/29): Speaking of bands I technically work for, Monodork is still alive and kicking. “Yay?” I thought. Then I listened to “You Bastard” and the question mark subsided. I always seem to forget that I really, really enjoy heavy music. Finger in every pie but that damn cheesecake gets me every time. It’s hard to be this close to the source, seeing a band’s enthusiastic crowd, and balance all that noise against personal taste, but this breed of heavy is effectively my personal elevator music at the end of the day.

Elder (out 5/29): “Through Zero” can be heard today. I’m just now listening to it for the first time, and yep, that sounds like music. They’re going the way of Rush here. I think I just solved a mystery of why Elder’s fanbase is the way it is. Nuuuuurds! And now I feel unconvinced by my spurious statements here and will reflect for the next six months to no conclusion.

All Them Witches (also out 5/29): OMFG nobody panic. I haven’t even heard the thing and I already suspect this album is going to be a top-whatever favorite for this year. “Red Rocking Chair“? God damn. “Starting Line“? I mean you could just go, the whole environment is enthusiastic consent, no need for the pretense of a beginning. Then today’s “The Welterweight“? Sirs, I’m trying to write about other bands right now. Been really grateful for this band these past eight years or so, so, yes, looking forward to this one.

Slift (out 6/5): I made grand statements about Slift the second Ilion came out, so I’m primed for this new one. That moment in time was big in my personal life and it’s strange to conceptualize that the gap between albums will be an entirely reasonable two and a half years. I hope I’ve worked through enough of that moment in my life to be able to appreciate the new album freed of that time. For the moment, the internet seems intent on comparing “A Storm of Wings” to the Melvins, and it makes me wonder for how much the Melvins has changed over time if every loosely related song ever could ultimately be chalked up to a Melvins remix.

Converge (out 6/5): MOAR! You break those rules, Converge. “Hum of Hurt” is out now.

Genghis Tron (out 6/12): We seem to be going all-in on this year, musically. “I Am All” reeks of Nine Inch Nails even down to the way Trent Reznor handles a mic, but that’s fine. Love this style of video.

And also: Placebo, Muse, Modest Mouse, and The Strokes all have new things coming in June. What a year for the 35-50 year old “it’s not a phase, mom” crowd. Suddenly defunct Livejournal communities of yore awakened to the new fascist day.

And More

From the earlier part of the year, I still haven’t heard: Sunn O)))’s new album, the Melvins/Napalm Death album, Crippled Black Phoenix, Gnod… I have heard a little of Truckfighters but not enough to comment on it beyond the usual “yay stoner rock”. I’m eventually going to watch some of the live Roadburn videos from last week but I think this post is long enough.

From last year that took me time to get around to: Trash Classic by Frankie and The Witch Fingers. Who could have guessed “Conducting Experiments”, a song about sexual freedom and/or having threesomes (hard to tell, a man is singing about a FFM situation so could go either way), would be a favorite here for me. If I were inclined to dance in the first place I would dance the fuck out of that song. The heavy sarcasm on Devo-worshipping “Economy” is great, too.

And finally, from last year but I only just grazed: Die Spitz. I just watched “American Porn” and holy fucking shit, everything about that house feels like a fever dream version of the house I grew up in. Was it designed by the same architect or built by the same company or what the fuck? There’s too much green going on outside to assume they’re in the neighborhood I grew up in. Even the outdoor furniture reminds me of a table/chair set we had in the 90s from who-knows-where. Musically I’m reminded of the 90s, attention towards Hole and L7 (vibe) and Soundgarden (video), but there’s something else there I can’t pin down. “Riding With My Girls” is quite Motorhead-coded. I just heard “Throw Yourself To The Sword” and lol, with a title like that, who knew my first impression would be High on Fire? Be cool if they ended up on tour with the band The Sword just for my personal funsies. Imagine the awkward confusion of that crowd having to deal with the idea of 20-something ladies doing “their” thing better. Maybe it’s changed in the wake of bands like Castle Rat, but, hm, I dunno. The Sword’s fanbase is a special one.

Alright, that’s enough for today. I’m sure I missed something, but this is plenty for an update until the next thing happens. If you’re still here and want a dose of irony, literally yesterday I was reflecting on how I didn’t want to become what I see a lot of in the heavy music scene and doubly so in the circa 40+ non-musician crowds, of being very stuck in the mud and insistent on ideas that came about before 20-30 years ago like history makes greatness and not greatness makes history. Even for the abundance going on here, the variety still tends towards well-traveled paths. I’m trying to keep shit interesting, at least.

Mid April 2026

alienhaus

Well, my finger is still healing. The immediate hurt and swelling slowly reduced in exchange for color. That color is now centering around what appears to be the source of the injury and fading away elsewhere. I still don’t really know what happened, but it certainly looks like it hurts. And yes, to the touch, it does. Add a general ache and stiffness for the ambiance. You always hope these things heal fast but it seems I’ve got a while to go.

I finished reorganizing my closet, though. Since I moved here it’s been 100% used for storage and hasn’t been adequately functional as a closet. While there’s still a lot going on, I can finally use a good portion of it as an actual closet. Ironically I’m in the season where using it as a closet isn’t as needed – warmer weather clothes are in drawers – but I’m sure I’ll appreciate the change for a while regardless. It feels more flowy, like I have more space even though the space itself hasn’t changed.

I can’t make promises because of my finger and need for a truck, but the next major related step here is to take what I pulled out of there plus what else I pulled aside to a donation place. I did, however, transfer enough items around so I’ve reduced the cardboard boxes to just a few necessary ones and recycled the rest. That really helped for morale. After last year’s issues with bugs (not in my closet or anywhere near it, thankfully) I had it in the back of my mind that I needed to put my stuff into plastic bins wherever possible and get rid of the cardboard just in case the bug issue spread. I had a few empty plastic bins, so that was the obvious solution. And now most of the cardboard is out of there and the closet is cleaner and functional and what joy to be had.

I also have a “hall” closet, probably meant for things like jackets and brooms but it’s in an awkward spot so it’s just general bulky storage for things I only need a couple times a year. That, too, could be gone through. With my finger situation, probably that’s a bad idea right now. Perhaps after it heals.

In going through everything, I pulled out photo albums and that led to a partial bookshelf reorganization. I skimmed over what was there and felt all levels of weird about what I was looking at. All these people and situations and places that don’t exist anymore. For what isn’t just in my head now (because they died) the situations changed in a negative way. It reminded me that when I was around 22 years old I decided it was time to distance myself from toxic people even if it meant being alone all of the time. And so it goes, that’s what happened. A few years later I was trying to find my people again as I realized the more recent batch didn’t seem to give two shits what I said or did even if they weren’t actively toxic, and for a bit there I thought I was doing okay, but these days I wonder how successful I actually was. A lot of those newer people who I thought were close to the same page as I was or were otherwise interesting turned out to be, in short, incorrect choices. Lately I’m wondering often how much gender plays into that, of how even for what about me is neutral or unrelated to gender or disinterested in playing along with gender shit, I still come across as femme, which seems to be a persistent issue of not being taken seriously or altogether ignored. In instances where I’ve approached friendship or just simply talked to people, the vibe is “oh, a girl” and here comes a bunch of shit I don’t want, whether it’s roping me off to a zone where my input and experience and even self knowledge lacks value, or turning me into a cartoon character going on in their head about women. Really don’t want to carry that feeling into the future. But, for now, I’m stalled, staring at photos of old lives wondering how that can be true but this life can also be true, wishing I had parts of those lives again while knowing what awful shit was going on around them.

In all of this cleaning I continued to keep up with the lunar flyby. That was an incredible experience of joy I completely forgot was a thing that could happen. Been so much mud and slog and persistent disappointment and yet more terrible “unprecedented” news for so long. The war going on in the middle east (omg which one when) has me concerned, especially as it’s becoming a global issue. Counterbalancing that with ten days of persistent joy, wonder, hope for the future… I wish I could bottle those days up and take a drink anytime I need it. I lost count in a hurry how many times I cried. I wish it had been the stand-out news everyone was seeing, but based on social media and headlines those few days, the world is largely concentrated on a bunch of dickhead egos. Here’s hoping this “moon joy” grows into the future, continues to inspire, and we manifest destiny science on schedule.

Meanwhile I’m in a mental space of mild experimentation, trying to inject more color into my life again. I bought more plants over the last couple of months. I haven’t seen bugs near my plants in a while and that’s a concern but so far so good. A $1 strawberry starter currently just bloomed – yay – and my new coleus plants are doing fine. Most of the seeds/bulbs I planted aren’t doing anything yet, but one pot that I think I planted bell peppers in sprouted and is growing. I think the rest should be sprouting in the next week or two if the internet didn’t lie to me, though perhaps it’s still a little too cold. I also got some pothos starters and those seem fine so far. I’ve been told over and over those are good low light “easy” plants, so here’s hoping. I’ve run out of space for everything so I may need to move a pot or two elsewhere, but for now with everything new on the smaller side, they’re fine.

I also pulled out posters and put them on the wall. And I rearranged decor. And I, in lieu of just going to the thrift store and buying one of two dozen choices of blue jeans, bought some cheaper colorful jeans. I wore a pair of plaid jeans for a while ten years ago that were great, so hopefully my precious ego that can barely handle being perceived can handle the switch-up in the event that I actually wear them outside. It’s also a change from the constant choice of soft pants and/or no pants, but it’s a lot harder to find soft pants at the thrift store and the internet choices are largely polyester or polyester blends that feel too thin for the public much of the time. Could go the way of fancy, flowing summer pants but baby steps. I’m still coming from sweatpants and bike shorts most of the time.

The next logical thing for me would normally be dying my hair, but I need my finger to work for that.

Next on the menu should be spacing out to video games, but same. Finger. I can type reasonably okay but it’s not cool with that much intention. So perhaps getting back to watching movies again. Last year’s overdose of movies smacking into awards season seems to have burnt me out on the idea a bit. What do you mean sit still for two whole hours? I know once I get to watching something it’s fine but the idea of being trapped in a story that long beforehand is a difficult concept to wrestle with. So maybe I watch two hours of shorts, or five 25 minute youtube videos… because that totally makes sense.

Music is there. I’ll be typing about it soon enough. To be fair, I already did a lot of that typing, but life happened and then my finger was like lol viva la chaos *randomly explodes*.

Early April 2026

alienhaus

I’ve spent the last few weeks mulling over whether I should go through my closet and reorganize what’s in there, hopefully to free up space but most specifically to transfer what’s in any cardboard boxes to some empty plastic boxes. I finally got to it yesterday.

I had pulled most of the boxes out, reorganized much of the closet, and was in the process of putting some boxes back that didn’t need attention when I suddenly felt a weird burning pain in my finger. I looked down and it was visibly swollen. The hell? I had just moved two particularly heavy boxes so maybe I hit my finger somehow… but I felt nothing unusual. This, naturally, freaked me out for a while until it was apparent something had happened to, I guess, a vein, and I was getting a bruise.

It hurt for a while. I used a cold pack then ice, which helped a lot. Eventually I slept and woke up with it a bit less swollen, a hell of a lot more purple (or blue/black/red), and only aching a bit save for one incident where I apparently hit the wrong spot and got an awful stinging pain. I can type now mainly because I’m used to letting the finger take a break as it’s the number one asshole when it comes to everyday pain and numbness (which makes me wonder if I missed a traumatic sensation and that’s why I got hurt). But the overcompensating that the hand is doing to keep my finger from touching anything is not a fun feeling.

I decided I couldn’t deal with half the boxes still out of the closet so I got back to work today and tried my best not to hit my finger. Moved a few things around and set aside a few more items and did a lot of busywork to get a few of the heavier boxes back in the closet. Still lots to do but what’s left makes sense at a glance and doesn’t feel wholly overwhelming like it did when I had to quit yesterday. Nice to only have one cardboard box left from when I first moved (though I think there’s a few small ones elsewhere, not needing to be dealt with just now).

I’ve also spent multiple hours in recent weeks shuffling around decorations and art. I finally got some posters on the wall after taking down other things. I was in a shitty headspace in 2024 and it bled into 2025 so small things like this just didn’t get done if they weren’t vital or in the way. But now posters are up and I get to mull over how it is that I’m me and like I am yet so much of what I own has the vibe of a 7 year old girl raised by hippies. To be fair, much of what I own literally comes from when I was young as I wasn’t doing too much purchasing of things besides music and clothes once I hit adulthood. But there’s a juxtaposition between my often gender-neutral, level-to-frustrated vibes and how much femme, semi-psychedelic, sparkly, and youthful stuff I have. I think people would more assume neutral to halloweeny decor. And it’s there, but it’s drowned out. I did, however, make a point not to have all black all the time as I find it boring to look at on a good day and think it contributes to depressive feelings on a day-to-day, at least personally. The aim was towards good feelings, hope, positive nostalgia, warmth, possibilities, growth, the future being seeded into reality. I don’t want to look at my space and think dungeon, hole to hide, musty basement. So it’s pink and rainbows and sparkle and stupid.

As such, the decor adventure landed at me putting window clings on a poster frame.

a pastel rainbow canvas in a poster frame decorated in bubbles

Can’t say that felt like the most adult-ish thing to be doing with my time, and maybe it looks tacky somehow, but boy did it scratch an itch. One really has to question why adults of a certain age are siphoned off to beige all the things. Get back in your lane, slave. No rainbows 4 u.

These things feel extra at contrast with the world right now. The lunar flyby mission: that’s the vibe I’m going for. Science! Future! Joy! The news otherwise? Ick. Put it back. Actually, don’t do that: throw it out altogether. Straight to the dumpster outside. Don’t even wait til trash day on that.

The fucking idiot in chief just threatened to level an entire country. I don’t understand how this isn’t the final straw for congress, et al, to take him and his masters/cronies out. We’ve had enough. Stop.

So I’m concentrated on what I can control: beautifying my space, taking out the literal trash, and putting aside things to donate or use for projects. Keep things from touching my dumb finger. Looking at more pictures from the moon. Updating the new site.